to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
