to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
You Might Also Like
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Growing up was a huge mistake
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
The Onion called it…again.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
We need more people like this.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.