To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”