To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
#parenting
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.