Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.