Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos