To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
You Might Also Like
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time