Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.