To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?