To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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What number SPF blocks people?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are