To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
You Might Also Like
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Our lord and savoury.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”