to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.