to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
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I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Canadian owl: Eh?
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.