Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.