Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

definitely did not do anything wrong

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

Living the best life.. 😊

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.