Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

This can never not be funny 😭😭

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Passwords are more important than ever.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

@funTweeters I am at your service….