[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Bike for sale
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted