[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
💯😂
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Beware of fowl play.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
🙄😏😂🤣
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):