@FeelingEuphoric

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

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@TheBoydP

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@UnicornSyrup

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

@jake_lach

She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword

@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

@heyitsJudeD

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.