Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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Real House Wines.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
GOD: you keep saying that word
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword
The only thing I arouse is suspicion.
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.