[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange