(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
He-man has a Masters degree
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?