Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds