[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
#parenting
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
At least he brought enough for everyone
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.