Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

never ask a starfish for directions

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

I’m not wrong

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill