[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
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brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
just make the entire table out of coaster
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.