[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
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50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I put the p in pants.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician