“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
You Might Also Like
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Its true…
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes