Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

I don’t get marriage

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano