To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
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the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.