To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
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Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses