To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
🤣🤣🤣
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
