To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.