To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
This is my favorite one of these!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
A great tip. #CakeRex
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
This makes total sense…
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.