Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

This hospital has everything

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”