To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower