To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
the world’s most popular steaming services
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The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.