To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭