Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.