Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*