To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me