To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too