To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
You Might Also Like
peak technology
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
the short answer to this question
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*mops up wine with cat*
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’