To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
