To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
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Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.