To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead