To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
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smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
hmmm
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”