Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.