Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

yo apparently, Micheal Jackson would go and record songs as soon as he got the idea so God wouldn’t pass the idea to Prince and I’m fucking cackling, yes this is the kind of vendetta I’m on lmaoo

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

wait.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.