Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius