Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.