Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Raisins are grape jerky.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

OH. COME. ON.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”