Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

こいつ天才

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.