to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
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*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
San Francisco has too many rules
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Boom, boom, ching!
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.