Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

#merica

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.