Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

wtf is an acronym

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.