17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Said the murderer.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.