To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
*frowns in Scottish*
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
This kid will have a bright future.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home