Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

How actors in movies eat their food

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.