To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
🤣🤣🤣
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
me
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.