To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
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My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
certified hallow’s eve classic
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Her: You’re so quiet.
Me: Thanks, you should try it.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay