Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.