To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
Rt to bother an English speaker
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus