To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
#TopTip
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed