Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
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[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?
Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.
Daughter: Oh like mommy?
Dad: Close enough.
I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.