@GlazerBooHooHoo

To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.

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@ArfMeasures

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

@KyleMcDowell86

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

@daddydoubts

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

@SalmaElWardany1

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

@qwertying

Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?

Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.

Daughter: Oh like mommy?

Dad: Close enough.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.

@SarcasticAlly12

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

@i_wantMyBiitch

I wish my new best friend from Spain came with subtitles, because pittbull only taught me uno do tres cuatro…

@peachgrenade

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.