To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.

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Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.


Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.


My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.


People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie


9 out of 10 people agree that it’s weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.


My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.


Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos


GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually


how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones



Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]