Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee