To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Things will get butter, keep churning
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Attacked by a mop.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.