Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

🙏🏾

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

We all have our pet causes.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Received some very disappointing news today

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.