To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Jurassic park gets weird
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.