To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
You Might Also Like
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.