To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
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~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
when you are just born a rebel
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys