Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Just why bro?!

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential