To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof