To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
You Might Also Like
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet