To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
😂💯
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I’d hang this in my house.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.